This morning I received a beautiful message from one of my childhood best friends. “I can imagine it’s a good day to be with the Lord”. It is a good day to be with the Lord. For us on Earth, and our loved ones in Heaven. Today is the day of Resurrection. Nature is reborn into Spring. My baby girl has been reborn in Heaven. I can see her in my mind’s eye, sitting on the Heavenly Father’s lap, basking in his radiant light rays, and eating watermelon straight from his hands. She has billowy feathered wings that spread out and tickle his cheeks. And they occasionally glance down to Earth, keeping an eye on things. On us. What a wonderful day for Delilah to be with the Lord. Amen.
As the days go on, the dense fog of despair seems to slowly lift. We’re learning to live with our new reality. However there is one big scary monster that we find ourselves facing at the end of this tunnel. The monster threatens our dream. The monster’s name is Doubt. What if this happens to us again? What if my body will never make a healthy baby? What if we are not meant to have children? What if our dream never comes true?
I know in my heart these are natural fears to have after facing the darkest side of pregnancy. If this happened again, I’m not sure how that would leave us. More broken than now? How do you become more broken than broken.
The timing of signs never seem to fail me. In the mail yesterday came a gift from my beloved Aunt. A beautiful Mayan Dreamcatcher to trap & defeat the Monster named Doubt, and protect our dream of one day having a healthy baby. I’m learning that in the face of fear, in the face of doubt, the most important thing we can do right now is protect our dream. Delilah would want that for us.
Yesterday was the day after Delilah’s departure from Earth. The morning greeted me with the loudest silence I’ve ever known. No belly cuddles in bed. No good morning kicks. No reason. My morning was void of purpose in a way I have never known. Phone calls, texts, flowers, cards from so many people we love. So appreciated. So much support. One voicemail from an Aunt which seemed to send me into a tailspin. My own gut wrenching sobs as I heard her express her sorrow…
It’s strange how a tiny human in my belly could have such a strong presence in my life. I could tell where my being ended and hers began. She had the sweet tooth that I never had. Her preferences for watermelon, ice cold milk, blueberry pancakes and desserts would make me smile. For years before becoming pregnant I was a pescatarian (seafood), but Delilah would not stand for it. ~Don’t you send that stinky stuff down here mama~ I could “hear” her telling me. She also loved the sunshine (A Leo baby ruled by the Sun). She filled my mind with images of tropical beaches, and my belly seemed to bask in the sun rays. It’s one of the reasons why we gave her the middle name “Rae”, because she loved the sun rays.
The morning after she was gone I felt the divide. I felt like a vacant apartment where she once took up so much space. So noticeably absent. No more watermelon cravings. No more need for the sun. It was also silent and as much as I tried I couldn’t “hear” her voice anymore. I know that spirits take time to “transition” once they pass on so I wasn’t too alarmed by the break in communication from her.
I am a Scorpio, ruled by the element of water. Naturally a shower would be therapeutic so this was all I could think to do. Standing under the water letting it wash away the sorrow, I held my empty belly and thought ~I miss you so much little girl. I pray you are at peace now. I’ll never understand why you were only given 5 months with us, but I hope to someday understand.~ Sure enough, her sweet little voice came back to me. ~Mama, I experienced more life in 5 months in your womb than some do in a lifetime on earth. The laughter, the singing, the dancing, the sorrow, the LOVE…..I experienced it all.~
We had three more days until goodbye. Hubby put me in the car and we drove to Joshua Tree National Park, a very spiritually charged place in Southern California. It is here that we found a quiet place to sit and open up the envelope containing our first baby’s gender. Perched up on a boulder, I opened the envelope. “It’s a Girl!!!” the paper read. Knife to the heart. I’d always dreamt of and prayed for a little girl. I couldn’t help but feel angry with God, with Mother Nature. “Of course it’s a girl” I thought. How could nature give me this precious answer to my prayers, and then so cruelly rip it away from me? It hurt so deeply. The one thing I’d always wanted was being taken away.
We cried. We sat there together and said goodbye to the dreams we had for our little baby. There won’t be a happy future for her. Just an ending on this Earthly plane.
The day moved us forward and the sun started to set. I found myself wandering around massive boulders under a pink sky and felt drawn to one boulder in particular. I approached it and placed my hands on it. I sent my thoughts into the powerful earthly rock. ~Give me strength nature, give me peace to let go of my daughter~ Just as easily as those thoughts went out, Delilah’s thoughts began to enter into my mind, my heart, my soul.
~It’s okay mama. My body is broken. I understand you have to let me go. This was my spirit’s plan. I chose this before I came. After Wednesday we won’t be physically connected anymore, but we will ALWAYS be spiritually connected. You are my mama, and I am your daughter. I will always be with you. I chose you and daddy because you loved me this much that you would give me the ultimate gift. The gift of peace~
And just like that, the weight lifted. I knew. She knew. This was our fate, and it was OK.
This past November 10th 2015 was my 33rd birthday. When I blew out my candles I wished for one thing, a baby to love. Little did I know, we had conceived her that very day. Five positive pregnancy tests later (I just couldn’t believe it).. we were elated, I was pregnant for the first time in my life. The months to follow were filled with normal Dr.’s appointments, emotional ultrasounds where we saw baby growing from a little bean into a mini human, lots of morning sickness, cold fruit cravings, kicks and flips in my tummy, and so much love and happiness. I’ve never in my life felt so complete. For once in my life I had a purpose.
At my 20 week anatomy screening our whole world came crashing down. “The heart hasn’t formed properly”. Kick to the gut. No air. Pinch me. Wake me up. An amniocentesis ruled out genetic disorders. But a trip to UCLA’s top cardiologist confirmed our worst fears. Our baby girl had two major heart defects. DILV (double inlet left ventricle) & TGA (transposition of the great arteries). Hearing things such as…”Poor quality of life, multiple open heart surgeries, possible transplant, long hard road ahead, probable complications, IF the baby makes it, pain, suffering…” led us to the only peaceful fate we could give our baby. Set her free, send her back to heaven. On March 23rd we did just that. As the anesthesia hit me on the operating table my final thoughts to Delilah were, ~~Go and be with God my little Angel~~
Fog lifted and I returned to the nightmare. Bright white lights. Tears. Baby is gone. No longer inside me. Its been two days. Two long days since she has left my body. I feel like an empty shell. I’m back to just…me. I don’t feel special anymore without her. I know it’s not true. But the light has dimmed. I miss her.