After the whirl wind of events I found myself completely drained of energy. I needed to just check out and spend some quiet time recharging and healing. Sometimes the best thing for me to do is just step away from everything and be present in the moment.
Several things have unfolded in the past couple of weeks. We picked up Delilah’s ashes from the funeral home. It was an extremely difficult day, and I felt emotionally raw. I stood in the funeral home bathroom before we received her and almost lost it. It took all of my strength to keep it together and not crumble. Standing in front of the bathroom sink staring into the mirror I closed my eyes and felt massive white angel wings embrace me and hold me tight. I know that it was Delilah comforting me.
~It’s ok mommy. I’m still here~
Marc and I left the funeral home and headed straight to a bar. On the drive I held the box of her in my lap. The same familiar energy that I once felt in my womb, I now felt radiating from the box.
We toasted Delilah with a drink, we cried, we laughed, but most importantly my husband and I bonded. This has rattled us to the core, leaving us fractured in unexpected ways. You really don’t know someone until you grieve with them. This has threatened to rip out the bolts of our relationship, yet we’ve held on tight to our marriage. We are weathering this storm together because that is what we promised each other. Through sickness and health. Through good times and bad. I am proud of us for keeping US together through this devastating time.
In desperate need of some happy QT we escaped to Santa Barbara last weekend. We visited the historic Mission there and I was greeted by an insane spiritual energy. Our tour of the grounds led us into the most beautiful church I’ve ever seen. Without even thinking about what I was doing, I went to the front of the church, sat down in a pew, bowed my head and prayed. I prayed for Delilah, for my husband and I. I haven’t felt that close to God in a long time, but on that day I felt him all around me. I felt him with her. As I talked to God, tears streamed down my face. I turned around to the pew behind me and there was my husband, fighting back his own tears. We both felt God’s love that day. I think that Delilah led us to the Church so that we could experience God’s healing love.
This week has brought the return of my menstrual cycle and with that brings mixed emotions. It is a sad reminder of what was lost. However, with it brings the hope of conceiving another miracle.
The other day I was driving in my car, thinking about Delilah and getting emotional. I had my IPhone music on shuffle, and out of 2,000 songs “Hey There Delilah” began playing. This is the song that inspired us to name her Delilah. I couldn’t believe the timing of that song coming on in the car. It made me cry, but tears of comfort and relief. Then, I heard her sweet voice in my mind.
~My mommy and daddy loved me sooooo much that they didn’t want me to suffer on Earth. So they let me come back here and be with God a little longer!~
I believe she wants me to know that this is what she tells her spirit friends in Heaven. She brags about her mommy and daddy and their profound love for her. She is so proud of us for the way that we love her, and the choice we made to spare her.
When I got home, I got my period for the first time in six months. She knew it would be an emotional day for me, so she made her presence known.
~I’m still here mommy. Don’t you worry.~