I woke up today at 5AM with my mind and body in a state of panic. I observed my husband sleeping so peacefully beside me and it made me realize how alone I am in my grief. I’ve come to realize that my grief is in a category of it’s own. Along with the mental grief, my body grieves, because my body was her home. My body is physically grieving her absence. I have these bouts of panic where my body seems to scream at me: “WHERE IS THE BABY??!!” As if my body has forgotten that she is gone. This 5AM alarm made sense when I got out of bed later and realized that my body was ready to feed her today. There was milk for her. But she is not here to receive it. What a beautiful thing a woman’s body does to prepare to nourish her baby. What a horrible thing to be reminded of when there is no longer a baby to nourish. I keep comparing it to a royal kick in the teeth, because that is exactly what it feels like!
A few days ago we went to the funeral home to start the process of getting Delilah’s ashes. It was surreal. Very difficult to write “Mother & Father of the Deceased”, when you’ve never even seen your daughter, or held her. As we sat there signing the documents, all I could think was, we should be picking out a crib and a stroller right now. I would have never expected to be picking out an urn for our baby’s ashes. Another thought I had as we walked the cemetery grounds was, Is it more tragic to leave behind a lifetime full of loved ones and memories, or to leave behind a life that you never even had the chance to live? It’s something that’s been on my mind and surely puzzles me.
I’m still struggling to understand why this happened. She was literally my hopes, dreams and prayers packaged into one tiny body. The loss in my heart is profound and deep. This meditation popped up on my news feed today and it was exactly what I needed. It felt appropriate to share here. Maybe I will never fully understand this loss. But to try and hold onto my belief that Everything Does Happen For A Reason…definitely brings me a tiny bit of peace, and returns me to some sense of Faith, that God has a plan, and this was just a part of it.