My husband travels for work. This week he left for a good amount of time. It’s the first time he’s been gone since we lost our baby, about a month and a half ago. I’ve been making progress, but once he left I was faced with a lot of feelings that I’ve been too distracted to feel completely. It’s a new level of grief. Everyone around me seems to move on with life. I’m trying to, but in a way I’m still stuck in the heartache of missing my baby and my pregnancy. I’m missing the way it was. Change can be so hard.
The following is something I wrote after he left. Thoughts and feelings flowing…getting it out…releasing it to the Universe. It’s my therapy. Praying for continued healing for myself, and anyone else who has felt the pain of losing a baby. Healing Blessings to you!
I’m recognizing this time in my life as a chapter of pain. For whatever reason, God decided that this time in my life would revolve around a searing pain so deep that nothing else will ever compare. No breakup, loss, or death has ever felt like this. It is raw, unimaginable heartache. The reason it cuts so deep is that I lost a part of myself that I’ll never get back. Losing a part of yourself is different than losing someone else. It is a different pain. You don’t feel complete anymore. There is an empty hole where that part once was, and life will never be the same. Yet pain can teach us something. To recognize happiness better than we ever did before. And I will always look for the lessons, even when the pain in my heart is breaking me.
It’s tricky when you miss a baby who wasn’t born. The face of the one you miss is grey and blurry. A life that I loved more than my own, and I’ll never even know what she looked like. There are no solid memories of them on Earth, just memories of pregnancy and what might have been. You miss the dream of them, the plans you had for their life. There is no lifetime to grieve, for they never took a breath. Instead, just a short span of time when they were one with your energy. That is what I miss the most, her energy mixed with mine. Sometimes it feels like I’m missing a ghost.
Time moves on…days, weeks, and months. They are unfolding. Yet the pain is still there. It’s still the same. The peaceful space between the unbearable sadness becomes greater. But the grief hides in the shadows of my life and sabotages me when I’m alone. It hits like a freight train. Her absence haunts me. It leaves me feeling afraid, nervous, unsettled and anxious. I’ve never felt like this before. I’m afraid of losing everything else, now that I know how easy it is to lose. It’s hard for me to be alone. Yet sometimes that’s all I want. Don’t forget her, for she is so much of me. She is still here, yet at the same time she is gone forever.
I understand, God. You want me to feel the pain of her absence, and I do with every cell of my being. Feeling the sadness has helped me to recognize happiness and joy much more clearly. I embrace this chapter of pain and know it is a great lesson in my life, although heavy and sharp. I release it to the Universe, in the hopes that someday soon this chapter will pass in my book. And a new chapter with a much happier ending will begin to unfold.